Losing you -Phan-
by kittyxuchiha11
Summary: Dan and Phil have been slowly drifting apart. who is to blame for the ruins of what once was their friendship?. I swear it gets better towards the end, not complete heart breaking angst


Dan looked around the empty flat, he felt alone, he and Phil seemed to be drifting apart, they never hung out and barely spoke anymore despite being best friends who lived together; He had never felt so lonely before, negative emotions flooded his mind. Dan needed a release. He went to his room and sat on his bed, plucking a razor blade out of his bedside draw and staring at it in silence for a while, he started carving away on his arm "Phil" he had written before he even noticed what he was doing, he wanted things to be how they used to be.

Phil sighed heavily as he fumbled with his keys, attempting to unlock the door to their flat. he had been out most of the night. again. he finally managed to open the door, nearly tripping over his own feet as he stumbled over to the couch, collapsing heavily onto it.

The sound of the door closing made Dan jump, he threw the bloody blade back into the draw and yanked his sleeve down over his wounded arm, his hoodie was black so thankfully the blood wouldn't be too visible. Dan stood up, taking deep breaths to compose himself, "Hey Phil" he mumbled as he stepped into the living room where Phil was sprawled across the sofa.

Phil mumbled a reply as he buried his head into a cushion. why did Dan always have to talk to him? couldn't he see what was going on here? obviously not. tears stung Phil's eyes as he tightened his grip around the pillow he had his head on.

"Wow, good to see you have the decency to even bother to say Hello properly" Dan snapped, that's all he and Phil ever seemed to do, Phil would ignore him or put zero effort into the conversation, Dan would snap and end up feeling bad then end up falling into a pit of loneliness and despair.

"well sorry" Phil said, his voice muffled by the pillow still. he didn't want to lift his head to look at Dan. he knew Dan would see the tears and would start asking questions. he sighed softly as he slowly sat up, wiping his eyes. he looked at Dan, with what he hoped was a look that didn't make him look so lonely and horrible.

Dan sighed heavily and sat down at the other end of the sofa which was free now that Phil had sat up, he glanced over at the older boy, although the room was ill-lit he still noticed that Phil's eyes we're red from what he assumed to be crying, "What's wrong? You been crying?" he asked.

"n-no" he stuttered as a few more tears escaped his eyes. he took a deep breath, trying to calm himself down "I'm fine" he answered softly. Phil liked to lie to himself like this. everything would be fine, right?. but no, it wouldn't.

"You're such a shit liar Phil, why do you keep doing this to me? I try to talk to you and you just push me away", Dan sighed again, folding his arms over his chest, the negative feelings flooding in once more as he realised how distant he and Phil really were becoming.

"I..." Phil bit his lip, looking down at his hands "why do you even want to know?" he turned to face his friend "why do you even care Dan?...no one else does..."

Dan rolled his eyes at Phil's words, he'd always cared, not that Phil ever noticed, all his efforts to try and uphold a conversation had failed miserably so he rarely bothered anymore, "I care because we're _/supposed/ _to be best friends, not that you seem to remember that".

Phil looked down again. this is why he didn't like to talk to people. i made him realize how much everyone really truly did hate him. "you don't get it..." he almost whispered. he looked up again, catching Dan's eye "everyone hates me...so why?" he asked gently as the tears began to drip down his face again.

"I don't hate you Phil, I just get a bit annoyed sometimes" Dan answered sadly, feeling a bit sorry for Phil, he edged across the sofa so that he was closer to the older boy, sitting side ways so he could look at him. Dan pulled out a tissue and pressed it into Phil's hands so he could wipe away the tears, "I feel like I'm losing you Phil, I try with you, I really do, but nothing I do seems to work, its frustrating" Dan explained.

"b-but" Phil choked out "If I talk to you, they might start hating you too, I don't want that" he sobbed, placing his head in his hands. "I...I don't want that" he repeated, his sobs beginning to get louder.

"Nobody hates you nor will anybody hate me for talking to you, everybody knows we're best friends you muppet" Dan sighed, he hesitated for a moment before placing a hand on Phil's back and rubbing it gently in an attempt to comfort him, "Don't cry Phil, you're being silly, nobody hates you...It might seem like I do sometimes because I shout and that, but I really don't, I just hate what we're becoming" Dan soothed.

Phil flinched at the contact but soon relaxed. "but...what about the fans...they all hate me" he whispered "I'm scared Dan" he admitted "I'm so scared" he sniffled. wiping his eyes. he then turned slightly to look into the younger's eyes "I'm sorry..."

Dan shook his head in disagreement, "They don't hate you, there's a few idiots out there who say horrible things but it happens to everyone, you think I don't get hate? you're wrong, you just have to ignore them Phil, whatever they're saying is crap and you know that"

"but what if nobody likes me?...what if I am just and horrible ugly person that needs to slit their wrists and die" he asked softly, tears brimming in his eyes again "they're telling the truth, I know they are..."

Dan flinched as Phil mentioned slitting his wrists, images of what was hidden under his long sleeves popped into his mind making him shudder, the blood had now dried and the material was stuck to his arm. "Phil, you're none of those things, and don't you even think about leaving me! they're fucking idiots, stop being so silly, they're not telling any sort of truth, so just stop"

"but, you don't like me either" Phil answered emotionlessly "Peej told me what you said, that you couldn't stand me anymore" he looked down, his hair covering his eyes now "you're more important than anyone else...so that's why it hurts so much..."

"He got it all wrong Phil, I don't hate you, I hate what we've become, I keep telling you that" Dan arguing, growing annoyed at PJ for talking to Phil about a conversation they'd had in confidence, not only that but he had recalled it wrong, causing more problems between the two friends.

Phil quickly threw his arms around Dan, hugging him tightly as a few silent tears fell from his eyes "I'm sorry" he said softly "I'm so so sorry"

Dan tensed up as Phil hugged him, it took a while before he began to relax, he snaked one arm around Phil to return the hug, keeping the wounded on held against his body and away from Phil, "Its okay Phil, you don't need to be sorry" he hushed.

Phil only sobbed more, tightening his grip around his friend "I do, I'm sorry" he repeated. he just sat there for several minutes, just crying in the younger boys arms, feeling so ashamed and ugly. he winced slightly as he looked to Dan's arm that he seemed to be sort of guarding. there was a small dab of dried blood just visible. "...Dan?" he asked quietly

"You don't, you're brilliant okay?" Dan whispered as he rubbed Phil's back in in attempt to make him feel better. "Yes Phil?" he responded, unaware that Phil had seen the blood on his sleeve.

Phil gently leaned over and touched Dan's arm "why is there blood on your wrist and hand?" he asked nervously. he was pretty sure he knew the answer. that made him feel so much worse.

Dan looked down to see part of his wound exposed, his heart started to race as he began to panic, he quickly pulled his arm away from Phil and tugged at his sleeve to cover the blood, "I dropped a glass earlier and got cut while I was cleaning it up" he lied, looking away from Phil to hide his face.

Phil frowned slightly as he took Dan's arm with a more firm grip "Dan...let me see, please"

"No Phil, its fine, just get off of me!" Dan protested, struggling to try and pull away from Phil's grip but his efforts we're useless.

Phil slowly pushed up Dan's sleeve, gasping as he saw the wounds "D-Dan...w-why?" he asked as he shook slightly. he knew it but...why had Dan carved his name. unless...it was true. Dan must have hated him that much.

Dan grew angry, not at Phil, but at himself for not being more careful about cleaning up and hiding the cuts, he sighed at look back up at Phil, "Because I miss you Phil! you're drifting away from me and there is nothing I can do to stop you! It doesn't matter what I do, or what I say, its always wrong or taken in the wrong way" Dan shouted, yanking his arm away from Phil, but not bothering to pull his sleeve back down.

Phil just stared at Dan, looking completely shocked for a few seconds. he then quickly rushed forward and caught Dan's lips in a gently kiss "I'm sorry"

"Don't..." Dan mumbled quietly, "I'm not worth it Phil". Despite having enjoyed the feeling of Phil's lips against his own, he couldn't let Phil continue, Dan was too broken and messed up, he would do anything to be able to lean over and return the kiss, but it just wasn't fair.

Phil stepped back, looking down at the ground sadly "why don't you see It Dan...you're perfect. everyone loves you. everyone cares about you" he bit his lisp harshly, drawing blood "but you don't see that...why?" he looked into Dan's eyes "even when someone loves you so much they can't live without you"

"Because look at me Phil!" Dan shouted, holding out his wounded arm, "Look at it! it's not right! I'm fucking weak Phil, so weak I can't even stop myself from carving up my own skin" he looked down at the dried bloody mess on his arm. "It's. Bloody. Pathetic." he spat, dragging his nail viciously across the wounds with every word he said.

Phil grabbed Dan's arm tightly as his expression turned from sadness to anger "Don't you dare hurt yourself anymore" he growled, keeping eye contact with Dan as he kept a tight grip on the boys arm.

"What does it even matter!? I don't care anymore! Just let me go!" Dan demanded, trying to pull himself away from Phil. The pressure of everything was too much, he'd spent months trying to stop his best friend drifting away, most days ending in an argument, he wasn't proving to be any help to Phil, no matter what he said Phil didn't believe how great he was, to top it all off he hated himself.

"Will you just shut the fuck up!" Phil shouted, tightening his grip on Dan's arm. his expression softened slightly as he took a breath "look, Dan, just listen to me...please?"

Dan's cuts ached, all he could think about was scratching at them until they were pouring of blood again, the wound always reopened with blood forming at the surface from the first scratches, but it wasn't enough. "Yes, whatever, just hurry up at let me go" Dan requested, his voice desperate.

Phil sighed "I am not letting you go" he stated "I will not let you hurt yourself more Dan. you don't disserve this" he took a step towards his friend, offering him a small smile "we can get through this...please, trust me...I know I've been a horrible friend but...I swear I'll help you get thought this" he added softly "please Dan...just, please don't hurt yourself anymore" he bit his lip "I love you, I can't stand to see you like this...please" he asked desperately, tearing up again.

Dan gave up struggling, it was clear Phil wasn't going to give in and let him go any time soon, he let his head drop forward and he stared at the floor, allowing the tears to fall freely onto his already ruined jumper. "You haven't been a horrible friend, and please don't argue against that, I don't want to argue anymore, I'm sick of it", his voice was low and sad as he spoke.

Phil slowly wrapped his arms around Dan, holding him close "it's okay, we won't argue anymore...I promise" he whispered, moving a hand to gently run his fingers through Dan's hair "I'm going to help you thought this. we're going to get through this together" he added, tightening his grip around his friend "I love you" he whispered again.

"Love you too" Dan whispered, he wrapped his okay arm around Phil and hugged him, his other arm was around Phil but he wouldn't let it make contact with the back of Phil's clothes, not wanting to ruin them with his blood.

"I mean it, I really do" he said quietly "I'm sorry for causing all of this" he gently kissed Dan's lips, smiling slightly.

"So do I, and its not all your fault, if I had handled everything better we wouldn't have ended up like this", Dan didn't protest against the kiss this time, instead he leant in and kissed Phil back.

Phil's smile grew "it's both our faults. but lets not think about now" he leaned back into kiss Dan again "we'll be happy from now on" he said softly.

Dan nodded, not bothered to cause any more conflict, "I'll always be here for you, don't shy away from me anymore, if something's bothering you come and talk to me instead of pushing me away"

"I will" Phil answered. smiling a proper smile, just like he used to. "we're going to be all right" he whispered, pulling Dan closer. for the first time in a while, Phil actually believed it would be.


End file.
